It’s February, the month of love and as Valentine’s Day came along this year I realised that sometimes as a Personal Trainer we don’t put much focus into ‘relationships’. But, as a Holistic Personal Trainer this is an area that I focus on with all of my clients.
I have seen my idol, Tony Robbins, live a few times and one thing he said really stuck with me. He said
“The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationship.”
At that seminar, I had recently gotten out of 2 toxic relationships one after the other. One that was for 1 year and resulted in infidelity, secrets and deception and one previously that I was in for 8 years that resulted in no communication, no spark or commonalities. Boy, did I have work to do on myself after those!
It clicked to me that, that was the reason why I hadn’t felt fulfilled. I began going through all of my past relationships and connecting the quality of those relationships with the quality of my life at those times. It blew my mind at how very true this concept was! Take a moment to think back on the quality of your relationships and the quality of your life while you were in those relationships. It’s a cool experiment to learn from.
I began researching relationships and human psychology, which is one of my favourite things to do. And I still do! There’s a great podcast if you’re interested in this topic called “Why Do People Cheat | Relationship expert Esther Perel talks to Tony about infidelity, intimacy and the danger of expectations” on The Tony Robbins Podcast 11 October 2017. I’ve listened to it at least 15 times and always learn something new after listening to it.
There are 2 points to consider in sustaining a happy, healthy relationship and I’m going to sum it up here for you so that you too, can begin amping up the quality of your life!
I think we can all agree that having things in common in a relationship makes it work. But a relationship can work and still be missing something and that something is usually passion. Having passion in a relationship is something that you shouldn’t compromise on because it is what makes us feel alive. That feeling of feeling alive is addictive and it makes us feel ecstatic. YES. Give me more of that!
So what is it that creates passion? What creates the spark?
It is having different leading energies.
There should be 2 different types of energies in a relationship and these are the 2 points that will keep your life and relationship electric! Whether it is a girl/boy relationship, a boy/boy or a girl/girl relationship.
The two energies are:
1) A Feminine Energy and,
2) A Masculine Energy
Regardless of your gender we all contain both masculine and feminine energy. Your leading energy reflects your inner nature and values. There are men who have feminine leading energy and vice versa. It is wise to understand your leading energy or else you could be unhappy no matter how much you succeed.
What I found super interesting was this. If you are stressed or tired you can unconsciously pop on the opposite mask and this is where problems can begin.
For example, I have a feminine energy at my core, but I know that when I’m stressed I pop on my masculine mask and lose all of that beautiful feminine energy and living in this mood can potentially cause a great foundation for an argument.
When I was in my second last relationship I felt like I was the decision maker, I was the one pushing to go out together, I was the one trying to save him from a drug addiction, I was doing, doing, doing. When there is two masculine energies in conflict it is perfect ammunition for an argument, anger, sadness or some sort of negative emotion.
In his defence, I emasculated him because I am strong-willed and he popped on his feminine mask to counteract my directness and by us changing masks for so long, it caused our ultimate destruction.
We were not good for each other and the quality of our lives were a direct result of that too.
Have you also ever been in a relationship for WAY to long knowing in your heart that it was over?
Understanding energies can help you avoid that mistake again or help grow your current
relationship so that you can improve the quality of your life.
I crave a masculine energy as a life partner.
Using my relationship example above, you may also start to think about your relationship or past ones and where you may be going wrong or what you may be able to improve. You just have to know that the moment you adapt an opposite mask or your partner does, there is no possibility for romance because a feminine energy wants to make love to a masculine energy and vice versa.
So in my situation, when my ex would adapt his feminine mask to deal with me it wouldn’t excite me because a feminine energy doesn’t turn me on.
If you are watching Married At First Sight at the moment you can see this perfectly in the episode where Innes had her masculine mask on and was hurling abuse at Bronson on a boat because she was stressed. After this scene, they went for dinner and she questioned him “Would you root me?” and his response was “Not when you’re acting like the Hulk” or something along those lines ie. not when your energy is masculine. Bronson craves a feminine energy for romance.
When people adapt opposite masks it usually causes disconnection and tension.
Feminine energy is nurturing, understanding and all about intuition, feeling and just being. They are always feeling and seeing everything.
When they have an issue there is a deep desire to share and connect. It might make more sense to you if I say, have you said or heard this:
“We need to talk.”
Does this statement sound familiar? It’s usually because a feminine energy has an issue to sort out and they need to share their feelings.
Ultimately, feminine energy wants to be wanted, cherished, pursued.
I learnt from Tony that there are:
3 triggers that will cause a feminine energy to adapt a masculine mask.
1. Feeling Unsafe – This comes from years of evolution. The feminine energy is prey and needs to feel protected. (I’d like to add to this point that there is nothing better than being in the arms of your love, and it’s even better if those arms wrapped around you have muscles so that we feel extra protected… Or is that just me?)
2. Feeling Unseen – Someone with a feminine energy needs to be given attention to otherwise the chemistry starts to breakdown and after a long time of this, will seek it from elsewhere.
3. Not feeling understood – Empathy and compassion allow for a sense that there is an appreciation for what he or she is going through.
If you have a masculine energy all you need to do is understand the above 3 points for the life of your relationship. That’s it!
Masculine energy focuses on one task at a time whereas feminine energy can do everything at once. With masculine energy it’s all about total concentration and singular focus.
When they encounter a problem their sole goal is to find a solution. They are about doing, taking action and moving with a purpose.
Masculine energy wants to hunt, chase, pursue and want to be needed.
3 triggers that will cause a masculine energy to adapt a feminine mask.
1. Feeling criticised – masculine energy feeds and thrives off appreciation. They need to be admired and praised.
2. Feeling controlled – ooh they don’t like this at all! If this happens to him he will hate himself and then his partner will hate him and will become fearful of him.
3. Feeling closed off – masculine energy wants the presence of feminine energy, you could say they are starving for it.
Pay attention to the above 3 triggers because they too are the life or death of a relationship with a masculine energy.
Why does feminine energy get turned off when their partner loses his leading masculine energy?
When the masculine energy in the relationship adapts the feminine mask, their partner will not feel safe or protected and what will result is friction and disconnection.
To stay connected, happy and healthy in your relationship remember the 2 leading energies of a relationship and assess where you’re at, especially in a time of crisis.
It has really helped me in understanding relationships better and I hope you found this information useful too.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic..
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